Story by Kristin Gallagher, Business Manager

It’s that time of year again—UCM Homecoming.

It is the holiday of all holidays in the ‘Burg.

The anticipation of crowning royalty and thoughts of massive hangovers linger in the fresh fall air.

Preparation for midterms is put aside and replaced with plans for the football game, and of course, Breakfast of Champions.

With such a magical time approaching, I feel it appropriate to offer some words of wisdom to my fellow classmates that I have acquired throughout my years here:

1. Stay hydrated. It is common knowledge that the activities you are going to be partaking in will leave you particularly thirsty. So always have some fluids on hand. No matter your preference, make sure you keep the drinks coming. You wouldn’t want to sacrifice your health.

2. Dress appropriately. Weather plays an important role in this decision. Guys, wear polos with popped collars at all costs. Ladies, no matter what the forecast, wear as little as humanly possible to protect you from the elements. Don’t worry, pneumonia is only a small risk, and looking good will surely protect you from it.

3. Attain candy at the parade at all costs. Children can always be pummeled. They are resilient, right?

4. Remain well rested. Sleeping off Friday night on the bleachers at the big game is perfectly acceptable. No one will even notice you, or take your picture and post it all over the Internet.

5. Travel in groups. It doesn’t matter if you know the people in your group or not, just fall in line. Making new friends is always fun, and learning their names is a real brain challenge. Who said you can’t expand your mind while having a good time?

6. Always have someone escort you home. If it is someone who has never seen your place, extend the invite inside. I’m sure they would love to see the décor of cheap liquor bottles on your mantle, and that is probably why they walked you home anyway.

My advice aside, I do wish all of you a very safe and responsible 2012 Homecoming.

If my list is too lengthy for you to remember, resort to these three timeless rules: Always have a designated driver. Always know your limit. And always practice safe and consensual sex.

Cheers!